you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was born a porn star she said
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
