The best revenge is premature balding
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
