Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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