She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
