perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
