Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
