Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
