pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
