nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
