I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
