you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
