So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
