Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
