mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
