i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
