I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
