I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
