I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
