I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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