Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Damn victory sex feels great
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
