I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
