So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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