Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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