jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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