I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
being pregnant is like rehab
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
