yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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