I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You left your phone here
Wait...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
