I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
