It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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