he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
