All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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