i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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