My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
