trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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