My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
