i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
