Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
