I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
