He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
