I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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