if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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