I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
