i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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