and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
