dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
