I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
