Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
