you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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