My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
