Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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