Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
