just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
